Ray Lewis is a Wonderful Man

(By Baxie) Several years ago I cancelled my subscription to Sports Illustrated Magazine. I had been a subscriber for years. I would read through the articles each week. I would pour through the pages. I would even read Rick Riley’s column too. That’s no easy task.

When the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue came out I was always sure to place it gently on top of the tank of my toilet. You never knew when you might need it as a reference tool. Other times it would serve as a muse whenever I was looking for a sudden burst of inspiration.

I eventually cancelled my subscription when I began having suspicions that Sports Illustrated was, in fact, the work of the devil–with its rich satanic undertones and its clear journalistic bias towards demonic possession. This fact was proven this week by the sage and pious words of Ray Lewis from the Baltimore Ravens.

As you know, everybody is accusing Ray Lewis of knowingly using a banned substance found in Deer Antler Spray to recover from a painful torn triceps muscle in his right arm. Ray Lewis has not only denied the allegations, he was able to prove that, indeed, this story by Sports Illustrated was the work of Satan. When asked about the story Ray answered “That’s the trick of the Devil. The trick of the Devil is to kill, steal, and destroy. That’s what he comes to do. He comes to distract you from everything you’re trying to do.”

Well, Ray Lewis certainly has me convinced! This whole thing with the Deer Antlers, the stabbing, and the wild accusations that are surrounding him are nothing more than the Devil’s intervention. How we have gone this far without noticing the satanic under-current in SI defies understanding. This is so clearly is the work of Satan that it is distracting us from the embracing some basic truths. Specifically, it is distracting us from accepting the fact that Ray Lewis is a man of God. He’s also a heaping sack of shit who uses God as a shield to protect himself from uncomfortable questions that he doesn’t want to answer, from accepting responsibility for obstructing justice in a double stabbing, and from acting like an insufferable jackass whenever he’s either in front of a camera or there’s a microphone being waved in his face!

The truth is that God has got a lot on his plate. I have to assume that he’s busy doing other things and probably doesn’t spend a lot of time getting involved in the day-to-day salvation of Ray Lewis and what’s left of his soul. Nobody can be sure if God is picking favorites. But if I find out that Ray Lewis is on God’s speed dial, then I’m going to be pretty pissed!

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