(By Baxie) Last night I had to make a difficult decision. I could either watch the State of the Union address or I could watch the second night of the Westminster Dog Show. One of these options was a collection of overly indulged animals with a natural inclination to crap all over the place. The other option was a dog show in New York.
I made the only reasonable decision that I could. I watched the dog show instead. The Westminster Dog Show is the most prestigious dog show in the world. Each year thousands of dogs compete for the title of best in show. Only one dog can win it all. The rest of the dogs get to go home, lick their balls, and drink out of the toilet like every other dog in America. These championship dogs are pampers. They are exercised constantly. Their owner spends thousands of dollars to have these dogs bathed, and groomed, and trained. A single judge who must determine how close the dog lives up to the standard their individual breed. The dog is poked, pulled, petted, and then forced to run around the track on a leash.
The dogs love this shit.
However, can you imagine if we judged human beings like this in a job interview?
“I’m sorry Mr. Johnson. But we’ve decided to interview other applicants for the position. We’re not pleased with the size of your jaw line. Nor are we satisfied with the roughness of your coat. We just don’t think that you’re Mass Mutual Material.”
This year’s Best in Show crown went to something called an Affenpinscher named Banana Joe. Not to be critical, but I was always under the impression that the winner was supposed to be some sort of dog. This thing is about as far away from being a dog as Lindsay Lohan is from being a drug and alcohol councilor.
The Affenpinscher is also known as the monkey dog. It is called the monkey dog because nobody is entirely comfortable calling it a regular dog. It’s a monkey dog. People who own a monkey dog love these things. I, on the other hand, would be afraid to walk out of the house with a monkey dog. I simply don’t need the additional scrutiny.
I’m sure they make great pets…but only for people who are unconcerned with the way that they look in public. I want a dog that could shit something bigger than an Affenpinscher. I want a dog that could eat an Affenpinscher. The bottom like is that I don’t want a dog that makes me look like a pussy. Unfortunately, there is simply no way around it. You cannot own a monkey dog and still be a bad ass. Society sees through your little ruse. It’s time to get a real dog instead.