(By Baxie) Do you remember a little something called the Cold War? Do you remember how, after years of nuclear armament and phony nuclear weapons treaties, we beat the Russians–forcing Communism to collapse throughout the world? Well, neither do I. Yet, if Fox News says that’s what happened, then I’m hardly going to sit here and argue with them. It appears as though the Russians failed to learn their lesson the first time around. As a result, they have decided to get a little sassy and steal some of this nation’s most coveted treasures. Apparently Russian President Vladimir Putin has stolen Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl XXXIX, Championship Ring and has refused to give it back like the filthy commie-pinko-bastard that he is.
According to the New York Post (where I get 90% of all of my news), Vladimir Putin met with Patriots owner Robert Kraft in 2005. Putin asked Mr. Kraft if he could try on his Super Bowl ring. Mr. Kraft, being the international diplomat, agreed. Mr. Kraft claims that Putin put on the ring and said, “I can kill somebody with this ring”.
When Mr. Kraft attempted to take the ring back Putin slipped the ring into his pocket and walked away. That fifthly rotten Commie bastard stole Robert Kraft’s ring!
A spokesman for Vladimir Putin told CNN last night that the story isn’t true and that he insists that Robert Kraft gave Putin the ring as a gift. You mean like the way we gave away Cuba during the Bay of Pigs? Listen folks, if Ronald Reagan were alive today he would be TV right now and say, “Mr. Putin….give back that ring! The bombing starts in ten minutes!!!” But now we have an international incident coming right out of Foxboro (right on Route 1) and the only ones looking to do anything about it are Robert Kraft and the sports department of the New York Post! My friends, the Russians are back and they are launching a full assault on some of our best sports memorabilia! Is this the kind of world that we want to live in? I say that this is madness and that the “Red Menace” must be stopped!