Ryan Braun’s Cup Runneth Over

Ryan Braun’s Cup Runneth Over


(By Baxie) For more than 150 years the city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been known for brewing and consuming more beer than nearly any other city in America. Today they are primarily known for another kind of frothy yellow liquid–I’m speaking, of course, about Ryan Braun’s urine. Major League Baseball announced this week that they have suspended outfielder Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers for the remainder of the season because of the following reasons:
A) He’s a filthy lying dirt bag.
B) Everybody involved in the Biogenesis Laboratory scandal will be receiving a suspension.
C) Ryan Braun chose to waive his right to appeal.
You may recall that last year Ryan Braun was able to overturn a 100 game suspension with the help of an arbitrator. Somehow Braun was able to make the case that his urine (which contained some of the highest levels of testosterone ever recorded) had been mishandled by an inept laboratory technician whose professional reputation was completely destroyed in the process. According to ESPN, MLB will now suspend every player involved in the Biogenesis fiasco including Alex Rodriguez, Nelson Cruz, Bartolo Colon, and a many more. The consensus is that Ryan Braun was the first suspended simply because he waived his right to appeal. He then offered this weak-assed apology saying “I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions. This situation has taken its toll on me and my entire family”… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Keep in mind that Braun’s original urine sample was reported to have the highest levels of testosterone ever recorded. Braun’s urine not only contained twice the normal amount of naturally produced testosterone. It actually looked like he swallowed a fist full of Highlighters. The side effects of that much testosterone in the human body typically result in such pleasant side effects as:
Breast swelling
Unsightly blisters
Urination problems
Ankle swelling
Frequent and prolonged erections
Excessive hair growth
Breathing problems
Shrunken testicles
Where can I sign myself up to get my hands on this shit?
Here’s the part that pisses people off. While everyone else will be receiving a 100 game suspension from baseball, Braun is that he’s only getting a 65-game suspension (without pay). Ryan Braun was due to make $9.8 million this season. I sure hope that he hasn’t spent it all already. Otherwise it’s going to be a pretty tight couple of months.

On the other hand, he’s a bald faced liar, a cheat, and a metabolically compromised dirtbag. You want to apologize to somebody? How about sending an apology and a few hundred thousand bucks to the lab tech whose career you destroyed. That would be a pretty good start. Until then, there’s always next season.

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