(Bax) It is with some level of sadness that I announce that today is my last day here at Rock102. No. I’m not leaving to take another job. No. I am not making this announcement because I have violated the term of our employee handbook. It is none of these things. I have, instead, decided that I am making this announcement so that I might devote more time to science.
This week the NFL announced that they have launched a $10 million incentive program to anybody who can come up with a new shock absorbing material that will prevent players from suffering the effects of concussions. Having read this story at approximately 3:35AM and having spent the next two or three minutes weighing my options, I have concluded that I simply cannot do this job and devote all of my time to conducting scientific experiments in my garage so that I can win that $10 million.
I haven’t even spoken with my family yet about this. However, I’m pretty sure that once I win the $10 million then they will forget all about the benefits that I once enjoyed co-hosting the Bax & O’Brien Show. I haven’t even informed management of my decision. I literally made this decision just hours ago–in anticipation that I make the next great discovery in helmet technology.
Frankly, I may already be onto a great idea. I don’t want to give away all of the specifics—after all, I’ve only had this idea in my head for about 3 hours or so. But I think the use of air-bags technology for helmet to helmet collisions might just be a brilliant idea that really gets some traction. Bare with me on this. The NFL has recently reached a $765 million settlement with 4,000 former players. The last thing that they want to do is have to pay that a second time. Giving a guy (like myself) $10 million to come up with an idea–can only be done if I completely immerse myself in trying to test my ingenious ideas with mini-air bags, laboratory mice, and a pair of t-shirt cannons which will help simulate the approximate velocity necessary at the point of impact. Granted, I’m only at the planning stages here. But if I’m serious about getting this $10 million, then I have to start immediately before some rat-bastard beats me to it!
And so, I bid you adieu. It’s been nice knowing you. Wish me luck.