(By Baxie) Aw man, I had all of these great Tiger Woods/Drunk Driving jokes ready to go for this morning. Only to find out that Tiger Woods was not arrested for DUI in Jupiter, Florida because he was drunk. He was arrested because he failed to realize that when the prescription bottle say “do not operate heavy machinery” that INCLUDES driving your Mercedes around Palm Beach County. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed. I had these great lines like:
“It looks like Tiger’s golf game is finally starting to resemble mine”.
“Tiger Woods had five shots but only wrote down three on his DUI scorecard.”
“Tiger Woods may have gotten his degree from Stanford, but he had the BAC of a UMASS sophomore at the Hobart Hoedown!”
But no. Tiger couldn’t give me the satisfaction of spreading some good old fashioned (and possibly insensitive) gems of comedy. Instead released a statement and let everybody know that he has undergone a series of unexpected side effects brought on by taking prescription pain medication. In either case, I don’t care what combination of medication you might be taking, YOU’RE TIGER WOODS! According to my exhaustive research on Google, Tiger Woods still has a net worth of $740 million. Based upon these numbers, I’m pretty sure that Tiger can afford an Uber account. In fact, Tiger Woods could even afford a fulltime limo driver. For the right price, I’d even be willing to drive Tiger Woods to wherever he wanted to go? You want me take you to the nearest driving range? I’ll get you there. You need to pick up a couple of things at the nearest CVS? I’ll get you there too.
The fact is, this is the worst bit of driving that Tiger has done since he crashed his car at the end of his drive way on Thanksgiving six years ago. And if you recall, that didn’t end so well either. The dude is facing a significant life crisis. He can’t play golf. He’s in constant pain. He’s taking way too many pills. And now he’s landed himself a DUI that everybody in America knows about. Seems to me, he needs to contact the Baxendale livery service before things start to get out of hand! I’m cheap. I’m on time. And I’ve never been given a moving violation that I didn’t beat in court. Trust me, dude. I’m your guy!