(By Baxie) I would like to take a moment and offer my condolences to all of you suckers, saps, dopes, and morons who dropped those college funds, drained those back accounts, and borrowed money from nefarious area loan sharks so that you could bet a fortune on Kentucky Derby winner, Always Dreaming to win the Preakness on Saturday. I would also like to offer my condolences on your sudden bout with inconsolable poverty and financial ruin. Because when Always Dreaming pulled up in 8th place at the Preakness, it should have become obvious to you that YOU CAN’T WIN MONEY ON A HORSE THAT COMES IN 8TH PLACE!! Instead, the Preakness was by a 13-1 longshot, Cloud Computing, who beat Classic Empire by a head.
So, while there will be no Triple Crown winner in 2017, there will also be no Christmas. There will be no birthdays, no expensive anniversary gifts, no vacations, no heat and electricity, no gas money for your car, no nothing. You’re broke. And depending on where you got the money from—you probably don’t have use of your legs anyway. Because you see, they were probably broken when you failed to pay up when Always Dreaming came in 8th place. Now you’ll always be dreaming of things like “walking” and occasionally paying a bill.
This is the problem with betting on the ponies. You have a solid financial stake in their success. A horse, just wants to get to the nearest feed bag. If that’s your idea of a can’t-lose financial proposition, then you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Unfortunately, this is the seductive allure of today’s problem gambler. Everything seems like a sure bet—until it isn’t. And when it isn’t, then it’s sure bet that you’ve just pissed away everything that you’ve worked your entire life for. But hey, far be it from me to cast the long shadow of unfair judgements. If you want to piss your money away on the ponies, then you’ll be happy to know that the 149th Belmont Stakes is just 19 days away!