Look at us. In one weekend, we’ve had people celebrate Cinco De Mayo, which is the 155th anniversary of the Mexican Army’s implausible military defeat over the French at the battle of Puebla by having non-Spanish speaking Caucasians drink margarita’s, eat nachos, and wear sombreros with little Corona logos–while simultaneously bemoaning this country’s stance on illegal immigration. Then on the following day, you have people taking off the Sombrero’s, drinking mint juleps, and putting on different hats to celebrate a bunch of horses that are 850 miles away from here run around in circles for two minutes? Again. What the hell is wrong with us?
As most of you know, Saturday’s Kentucky derby with won by a horse with a very small man on his back. Now, I could go on and on about all the strategy of horse racing. I could give you the inspiration back story of the horse’s millionaire owner who overcame all kinds of adversity to win the Kentucky Derby. But I will spare you from having to rehash the 6 ½ hours of televised coverage that NBA provided prior to the gate. Instead, I will tell you that the143rd Kentucky derby was won by Always Dreaming. And while it was a sloppy race with lots of mud, I am delighted to tell you that the winner not only a beautiful wreath of flowers, but also a check for $1.24 million.
And how much of that does the horse get? Surprisingly enough, he gets none of it. You see, Always Dreaming is a horse. And because he has hooves, he is unable to endorse the check. Instead, the check goes to the owner, the little man who rode him, and the trainer who taught to the horse not to run until the little man starts beating him with a stick. For this, your wife spent $200 on a hat that she will not wear for another year. Or maybe it’ll be two years– because no woman likes to wear the same hat two years in a row. You see folks, this is what makes us such an evolved society. We’re willing to celebrate things we know nothing about or even have connection too (like animal cruelty and the horrors of war)—by drinking cocktails and wearing outrageous accessories!