(By Baxie) I don’t know how you people operate. But I don’t do jack squat in my life without first consulting Amazon.com. I don’t buy anything. I don’t taste test anything. I don’t try anything on until I’ve had the benefit of running an Amazon price check or without consulting the consumer advocates who provide all of those well informed, thoughtful, and completely unbiased Amazon reviews.
Let say for example, I have a bunch of bananas. Do I want cut that banana using a banana slicer? Perhaps I do. Why should I want to be on the hook to slice my own bananas using an unsavory household items bought in a store? Do I want something to touch my banana after 200 people in Walmart have put their hands all over it saying, “Hey look, a banana slicer!” No. I want a banana slicer untouched by filthy human hands. Am I going to go to Home Goods and waste my money on an inadequate product with a flimsy ergonomic design? Oh hell no. I’m going to Amazon. And I’m getting myself the best one. One that has been packed away in a dust-free, hypoallergenic environment like an Amazon fulfillment center. And with Amazon Prime, I’ll get free shipping and free video (which I will never use)
Last week Amazon announced that they would be purchasing the entire Whole Foods grocery chain for $13.7 billion in cash. Truth be told, It’s really not that difficult to spend $13.7 billion at a Whole Foods. It is, however, another thing to buy them out. Do you realise how many bags of Whole Foods 365 brand of organically grown roasted, trade free coffee, and grass fed organic steaks you can buy for $13.7 billion? The answer is 6.
For some people, the news of the Whole Foods buy-out is a sad and sobering reminder that times have changed. It reminds us that we are a people consumed by convenience over personal service. We are motivated by the promise of free shipping rather than the hassle of disappointing human interaction. Listen, I’ve got news for you. Whole Foods ain’t exactly a Mom & Pop organization that’s losing to the largest bidder. Whole Foods is a retail behemoth designed to bamboozle you into thinking that a $28 grass fed pork chop will taste any better than one you bought at Big Y for fraction of the cost.
Do you want to buy your pork chops and have them delivered to your door by UPS? I don’t particularly want my pork chops sitting on UPS truck all day long. If I want a pork chop badly enough, I will actually get off my ass and drive to a place that sells pork chops without me having to remortgage my house to do it.
So listen, I love Amazon for everything else. But if I’m not going to Whole Foods now, I’m certainly not going to go there simply because Jeff Bezos is selling a $28 pork chop with free shipping. I’ll be happy to get that banana slicer at a substantial discount. But I’m going to do it on my own terms.