How Siri Became the Red Sox MVP

How Siri Became the Red Sox MVP

(By Baxie) I don’t know what sort of schedule you’re running, but according to my sign-stealing Apple Watch, the Red Sox needed six hours to beat the Toronto Blue Jays in a 19-inning long marathon for a final score of 3-2. The game lasted so long, that I was able to update all of my Apple Watch sign-stealing apps before the game ended earlier this morning just before John Farrell had to recharge all of his devices.

The game mercifully ended the Red Sox three-game losing streak but not before a full day of scandal rocked the Boston clubhouse with serious allegations of sign stealing from the NY Yankees.  Yesterday, commissioner Rob Manfred confirmed that the Yankees have lodged a formal complaint that the Red Sox had been using an Apple Watch to steal hand signals last month.  Of course, Red Sox still lost two out of three games against the Yankees over the weekend.  But who’s counting? Now, either the Red Sox are lousy at cheating or sign-stealing is just one more thing that Amazon’s Alexa does better than Siri! I can’t even get that broad to find me the nearest public toilet or to transcribe a text to a divorce lawyer—never mind stealing hand signals from a team that would eventually on their way to beating me by a score of 9-2 like the Yankees did last Sunday!

The commissioner claims that he will conduct a thorough investigation and hopes to have results by the end of the regular season. At which point, Bill Belichick will have already made himself an appointment at the Genius Bar to figure out how these new-fangled Apple doo-dads operate! If he does, then Tom Brady should be receiving his next suspension in no time at all.


Either way, the way that the Red Sox have been playing this isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for the effectiveness of Siri’s ability to turn surveillance into divisional wins.  She hasn’t been particularly effective for me either.  But if the Red Sox could figure out a way to use an Apple Watch to avoid playing 19 innings against the Toronto Blue Jays—then I’m all for it!


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