Great news! After months of anticipation, patience, expectations, and nervous contemplation I am delighted to tell you that your $495 Bill Baller Brand Zo2 Prime Remix Lonzo Ball inspired footwear was shipped out last Friday and should be arriving at your doorstop within the next 24 hours!
I’ve never been so excited in my life. Frankly, if you combined the approximate value of every shoe that I currently own it wouldn’t add up to $495. Which makes me all that must more curious what a $495 basketball shoe is going to feel like against the wretched deformities that have defined my feet for the last 51 years (and counting!).
What’s a $495 shoe going to feel like against my bunions? How will it feel against the ingrown toenails or against my contorted hammer toes? What will a $495 shoe do for my athlete’s foot? These are the questions that I’ve been pondering ever since my package shipped on Friday. I’m not particularly concerned whether the shoes will help me average 9-points per game or achieve a 31.5 field goal percentage. I don’t even care how they might effect my outside game beyond the 3-point line! All I care about is whether or not my feet will feel like they’re being cradled by angels OR if spending nearly $500 on a pair of shoes is a colossal waste of money.
If these make me anything like Lonzo Ball—then I’m going to go with the colossal waste of money. Not that it’s not a nice shoe. But these shoes were supposed to reflect a kid who was supposed to be the second coming of Steph Curry. This was supposed to be the most transformative basketball player to hit the NBA since Michael Jordan. Instead, the kid is a mediocre talent with a total lack of aggression. In fact, the only thing that’s aggressive about Lonzo Ball are the price of his sneakers. No matter how they feel on my feet, I’m keeping the receipt. Otherwise buying a $495 pair of shoes is going to seem like a really stupid thing to do!