(By Baxie) Look. I know that there’s nothing I can say to you right now that will take away the sting of watching the New England Patriots lose to the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl. Those wounds will take time to heal. Even with my best effort to turn that frown upside down, I know that this period of devastation and sadness is, in fact, part of the healing process. So, let’s instead talk about me.
Yesterday I made a series of Super Bowl prediction that surprisingly enough on point following Super Bowl 52. So let’s review.
On Sunday morning I made the following predictions:
#1: Philadelphia Eagle fans will be a-holes for all four quarters.
That was true.
#2: Eagle fans will overturn police vehicles and set trash receptacles on fire regardless of the score.
I nailed that one too.
#3. All of my Super Bowl squares will result in grave disappointment.
Fact! I didn’t hit a single square.
#4. Somebody in my house will say “F-you, Chris Collinsworth”.
I nailed that one too (several times over).
#5 My Tide Pod salsa will be a hug hit.
Fact: I never got around to making it. Chalk that one up as a losing prediction.
#6 The only balls that Tom Brady will deflate tonight will be his own.
I can only assume that’s true.
#7 Win or lose, Bill Belichick will seem oddly morose, sullen, and lack affect.
Nailed it. Nailed it. And Nailed it.
#8 There’s a pretty good chance that I’ll be sitting during the national anthem. Not because I’m un-American. But because I’ll be more comfortable that way.
That my friends, was also true.
That’s 8 predictions. 7 of them all came true. That’s better than April the Giraffe, Chris Berman, Suzie Kolber, Rex Ryan, Steve Young, Mike Golic, or Jimmy Fallon’s puppies—all of whom picked the Patriots to win (which they did not). Meanwhile, I’m making Super Bowl predictions like I’m the second coming of Gary Spivey and I keep knocking it out of the park! All I need to do now, is get Tom Brady to return my calls or respond to my hashtags and you can start calling me “Baxtradamus”!