(By Baxie) It’s so weird. I was just wondering the other day if there was a quick way for me to blow through the remaining parts of my paycheck. Lo and behold, the Supreme Court comes up with a landmark decision that would give individual states the authority to legalize sports gambling. This is perfect. Because I was looking for another way to drain my bank accounts and personal holdings. Legalized sports gambling would offer me the perfect opportunity to thrust myself into the exact financial ruin that I’ve been looking for!
Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled in a 7-2 decision that federal anti-sports gambling laws were, in fact, unconstitutional. This is exactly the sort of thing that our founding forefather died for during the US Revolution…an opportunity to deplete your life savings and deny you family the financial security it desires–all based upon the false assumption that lady luck is just a few short steps away! After all, why should states be allowed to regulate horse racing and casinos but be denied the opportunity to exploit the degenerate sports gambler like you or me? That was the state of New Jersey’s argument when they challenged the federal law. Now states, including Massachusetts, can study the law and figure out ways of fueling the hilariously enjoyable residual effects of my soon-to-be thriving gambling addiction…on sports!
On the other hand, I know that we here in Western Massachusetts are just a few short months away from opening the doors to an exciting $800 million-dollar casino. And I know that everybody and their brother will be flocking to the sports books on the hopes of winning tens of dollars. But have any of us thought about what this will do to the hard-working sports bookies and strong-arm collection agents that have had to run their, now constitutionally protected, business beyond the scope of the law? You’re going to have a bunch of out of work bookies being forced back into more traditional sectors like concrete construction and vending machines. Other than that, I can’t think of a single thing that could possibly go wrong on this one!