(By Baxie) As most of you know, I’ve always been a big proponent of fully authenticated sports collectables. Are you kidding me? From my officially licensed Wayne Cashman dinner plates, to my Jean Ratelle cocktail napkins, to my Lindon Byers placemats—I’m crazy about those things. Of course, I do have some stupid stuff too. However, I also have my limits. And those limits are to never place a bid on an item that may have been inserted inside the human body—no matter who it is.
Beginning next month, California-based SCP Auctions will begin taking bids on the mouth guard used by Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors during Game 4 of the NBA Finals. As you are no doubt aware, this would be the same sloppy mouthguard that Curry wore during Golden State’s four-game sweep of Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Is it historically significant? Of course, it is. Can it be verified as having been completely authenticated? It has. But it also happens to have been in another man’s mouth. And that my friends, is where I draw the line. I don’t know what else has been in the dude’s mouth. For all I know he could have riddled with mouth lesions, gingivitis, bad breath, or worse! He could have an infectious disease, MRSA, parasites, or other festering infections of the oral cavity. And yet, Steph Curry’s championship mouth guard is expected to be worth as much as $25,000.
Again, I am not willing to spend my money on any piece of sports memorabilia that has been inserted inside a human body. I don’t want mouth guards, Q-tips, suppositories, thermometers, tongue depressors, speculums, hypodermic needles, toothbrushes, colonic equipment, sex toys, dental floss, or anything that might require a lubricant. Give me an overpriced game jersey to bid on and I’ll be fine. But offer me something that’s been inside of somebody, and I’ll walk away and take my money elsewhere. Because a man needs to know his limitations. And bodily insertions are where I draw the line.